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save me, from the ranks of the freaks, who suspect they could never love anyone
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Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Robert M. Pirsig
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October 2007November 2007
June 2009
screams in the night.
June 28, 2009
It was a long drive. No, rather it seemed like a long drive. The silence was unbearable, as it usually is when we find ourselves in that piercing, bitter silence. Neither of us willing to admit that we did something wrong. Too proud to just laugh it off. Of course it was something stupid, of course it was something small, of course it hurt.
We finally were able to park the car. Actually once in the parking lot parking was well regulated. We sat in the car for a couple of minutes. I've never tried so hard not to look at someone. I knew I had overreacted.
We started walking. I don't know why we chose to walk in that direction, I suppose it seemed logical but I felt like we were following the sounds, being swept up in the wave of people that surrounded us. With each row of cars, different sounds. With each passing group, different people. It was surprising to see all these differents making sames.
Walking up it seemed so small, so far away. It was just the opposite.
cromp cromp cromp
November 29, 2007
I judge my mental state by the length of my fingernails.
fingernail status: peaking over my fingers.
Thumbs don't count right? They aren't considered a finger? I do take pride in my thumb. He is quite the thumb.
It's been rouch...up, down, I get knocked down but I get up again. Stay down dumbass, don't you learn? Now is not the time for optimism! Is there ever a time for optimism in a world of being content with what we receive?
I'm decorating my room, I was going to say redecorating but there wasn't really much to start with in the first place. It's looking good, it's a project, it feels homey. I'm not sure if that's a good thing but I am telling myself that it is.
fingernail status: peaking over my fingers.
Thumbs don't count right? They aren't considered a finger? I do take pride in my thumb. He is quite the thumb.
It's been rouch...up, down, I get knocked down but I get up again. Stay down dumbass, don't you learn? Now is not the time for optimism! Is there ever a time for optimism in a world of being content with what we receive?
I'm decorating my room, I was going to say redecorating but there wasn't really much to start with in the first place. It's looking good, it's a project, it feels homey. I'm not sure if that's a good thing but I am telling myself that it is.
I want to be a jazz musician.
to break
October 22, 2007
When you look up the word "break" in the dictionary you are faced with over 100 different definitions.
My personal favortie, "to dismiss or reduce in rank."
the male sex. the male, sex? the male sex!
How is it that the male sex is able to be so unattached, be so carefree, dare i say selfish?
Do females really have this innate motherly instinct?
By motherly instinct i do not presuppose some sort of need to have babies but rather the need to have someone there to care for.
Where the fuck would that come from anyway?
Does this prove the existence of some sort of god in any shape, form, or idea?
or is it a social phenomenon...oh i do smell a feminist conspiracy theory.
My own understanding was that care, (unconditional) love, trust, and any other emotion related to forming a real relationship were all givens. I believed that they were what is needed to build any kind of relationship, they were the foundation. No one, not even a good liar would be capable of falsifying these sort of emotions, as no constructor could build anything without a foundation. But i suppose i was wrong.
I'm at this point right now. I've accepted that I was wrong and now I'm trying to understand why...
why would one lie in order to build up a relationship with another HUMAN?
here's what i've come up with...
1) to get into ones pants. this seems stupid. in this day and age the good poonani is being sold at a unbeatable price on every street corner on every street, in every city....that is to say it is fucking free.
2) to get something out of the relationship. disregarding sex, what other thing would you use a person for? that is just stupid too. what else? money? you're a dick. attention? you're still a dick.
3) for the fun of it. take your god complex else where you sick, weak, peach fucker...yes i did say it, peach fucker.
Now because i have so much faith in humanity i don't see how any of these options could be possible. either I am missing something or I was right in the first place, the male sex is not a heartless, cold, jellyfish like being they are just really good at pretending. hrm...not sure yet.
Do females really have this innate motherly instinct?
By motherly instinct i do not presuppose some sort of need to have babies but rather the need to have someone there to care for.
Where the fuck would that come from anyway?
Does this prove the existence of some sort of god in any shape, form, or idea?
or is it a social phenomenon...oh i do smell a feminist conspiracy theory.
My own understanding was that care, (unconditional) love, trust, and any other emotion related to forming a real relationship were all givens. I believed that they were what is needed to build any kind of relationship, they were the foundation. No one, not even a good liar would be capable of falsifying these sort of emotions, as no constructor could build anything without a foundation. But i suppose i was wrong.
I'm at this point right now. I've accepted that I was wrong and now I'm trying to understand why...
why would one lie in order to build up a relationship with another HUMAN?
here's what i've come up with...
1) to get into ones pants. this seems stupid. in this day and age the good poonani is being sold at a unbeatable price on every street corner on every street, in every city....that is to say it is fucking free.
2) to get something out of the relationship. disregarding sex, what other thing would you use a person for? that is just stupid too. what else? money? you're a dick. attention? you're still a dick.
3) for the fun of it. take your god complex else where you sick, weak, peach fucker...yes i did say it, peach fucker.
Now because i have so much faith in humanity i don't see how any of these options could be possible. either I am missing something or I was right in the first place, the male sex is not a heartless, cold, jellyfish like being they are just really good at pretending. hrm...not sure yet.
who the what?
October 2, 2007
I'd like to think of this period in my life as the beginning of the middle. It almost makes the whole experience a bit more pleasant. More optimistic if anything. Things feel like they are changing and I can't help but want to write them down and pretend like there is a real purpose of doing this.I do enjoy making myself feel like my actions are important
and have some meaning.
I feel old, time feels like its passing me by. I have no purpose in life, that scares me while at the same time entertains. I don't know who I am and lost all motivation to try to figure myself out...I figure that comes in time.
note to self: write something about identity. maybe it'll clear things up (or at least make someone laugh)